DIARY 2006














Mon, Jan 23

<02:41 EEST> Some recent theatre/movie experiences:

Then onto some more personal issues. First of all, this Wednesday my sister gave birth to a healthy baby boy, making me an uncle. It's all really weird and wonderful :)

Apart from that, I've felt like shit both physically and mentally for the past two weeks or so. I've suddenly got a skin condition that I believe to be atopic dermatitis. In fact I've experienced a very minor form of it every winter for the past few years. It's probably been due to dry air and lack of sunlight, and I've only had something like a few cm2 of the rash so that it hasn't been a particular problem. This time it has exploded over to new, larger areas and I find it constantly irritating.

The dermatitis is making it hard for me to focus on things, and I find myself unable and unmotivated to do physics. The causal direction is unclear though, as the condition may have a psychosomatic basis.

In fact, I'm starting to feel that my current position as a graduate student isn't the right job for me. It may be just the project, or what's worse, the entire physics department, in which I don't feel at home.

I'm trying to analyze what has been so nice about most of my previous jobs and voluntary positions, such as teaching, industrial R&D and the student theatre. One thing that they have in common is that I've always been in a kind of specialist position; perhaps not quite a star, but someone doing something unique that is respected for just that. I feel like the world of high energy physics is an established mainstream industry where I would have to do years of standard work that anyone there could do. The interesting, unique stuff would come along much later, and even then it would be hard to gain a respected position.

One problem is also my desire to do new things, and I feel like I've seen enough of particle physics already. I'm currently excited about making music, even if the prospects of making a living that way are slim. A recent favourable review of Paskakaparee, along with the positive comments from lots viewers, have convinced me that I have a knack for composing, and I keep having new song ideas all the time. The point is that my lack of motivation for physics isn't simply depression in general, as I'm still passionate about a number of things.

Of course many people make music, but it's a lot easier to make something unique in that field — or pretty much any artform — which is what I seem to want. My desire for novelty is a whole other problem, considering that one should generally concentrate on a given field in order to master it. Or maybe that's just the current society talking, with its insistence to define a person according to a single main profession.

Mon, Jan 9

<07:04 EEST>

I saw you walking down across the street
with your mindful gait, and you waved at me
And though you warm up this day of a season white
chilly tremors I felt going down my spine.

Here goes another song. I wanted to make a track less assertive than my usual stuff, a chillout synth-funk that just borders on being danceable. I think it's still a little too complex and punchy at times, but I like it as it is and I wanted something finished. In fact, it's opened a whole new world of funky sounds that I'll probably keep exploring further.

<08:54 EEST> Just noticed I've released a total of 23 songs for download. This could be a good time for a break.

Tue, Jan 3

<19:33 EEST> Two new music releases!-) Both of these were waiting in an almost-finished state and I didn't quite know where to go with them, so I decided to publicize them in the current form. As they say in the opensource community, release early and release often ;)

Mon, Jan 2

<22:33 EEST> Watched the movie Aeon Flux. I recommend you to watch something else. It was a kind of MTV Generation's SF movie with a paper-thin plot and character development and an anticlimactic final revelation.

I got interested in the film as someone compared it favourably to The Matrix, but IMHO they only share some slight aesthetic ideas. Even those are much lower quality in this movie.

Sun, Jan 1

<09:45 EEST> \\//_ 1984 from this new vaguely more CSS-aware nillion euro homepage!

In the early hours of this new year, I got the inspiration to finally migrate this site away from frames. A good part of the fun was writing scripts for the transfer; while I did a lot of the stuff manually, the diary pages were too numerous for that kind of thing. Fortunately they are all script-generated themselves. With the CSS layout I've had to do some unplanned modularization, which will hopefully turn out useful.

Naturally, expect some glitches early on, notably with the look and layout. My only remaining problems are with the one or two tables of contents, but it's all layout level stuff which doesn't feel too critical.

Risto A. Paju